TLP: Summer Horoscopes with Lucid Lucy

This article was published in The Lemon Press Issue 36, on May 22nd 2018. Full issue found here.


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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Don’t tell them I told you, but Cancer said some pretty shitty things about you last night. Idk, they probably had a lot to drink, but I just thought you had the right to know.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Sagittarius is acting really bitchy, aren’t they? Maybe they’re jealous of all the good stuff that’s happened to you lately. I don’t wanna stir anything up, but they’re acting kinda immature aren’t they?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
I know you like to think that Libra is your friend, but I’d keep an eye on them. That’s all I’ll say, I don’t wanna sound bitchy.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Aries is really overreacting to a joke you said, tbh I think they’re being really unreasonable. It makes them no fun to hang out with. But don’t tell Aries I said that.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
No offence, but Capricorn’s really pissing me off lately with how they’re talking to you. I wouldn’t stand for it if I were you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Did you hear what Aquarius did last night? Like Jesus Christ, how cringy. Don’t tell them I said that, I don’t wanna sound bitchy, but that’s just what I think.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You and Gemini are such a great pair of friends, though if I’m totally honest, you might be putting in more effort than they are. You may deserve better. I’m just saying, I don’t know Gemini that well, but I’m just getting that vibe from them.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You’re like the best person I know. You’re so nice. But I can’t hang out with you right now, I’m….busy.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Taurus is being so stuck up lately, aren’t they? They just barged into your room to brag. Like, this is your space, this is your area. They can’t do that to you. I just wanted to tell you because I’m a nice person and I think this was the right thing to do.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Leo's acting really stupid. There's nothing wrong with you. Like, you tell it like it is, I sooo respect that.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 19)
It was so cool what you did last night. For some reason Virgo thought it was stupid, what a bitch, right?

Pisces (Feb 20 - March 20)
Everyone fucking hates you. You should know this by now.

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