TLP: PTA Mom’s Healthy Carrot Cake Recipe!
This article was published in The Lemon Press Issue 32, on May 26th 2017. Full issue found here.
I first decided to create this recipe during a recent PTA meeting. While everyone seemed to enjoy my flan, one of the Heads of the PTA, Susan, decided to comment negatively.
She said with a smile that, ‘Perhaps it’s a little too fattening, dear. I thought you were on that diet?’
Of course, her comments didn’t hurt me, even though she seems to think that she’s the bee’s knees even when she can’t keep her kid’s grades in check or keep a husband-I’m getting carried away here, sorry folks.
Besides, once I got home I discovered a fantastic recipe for carrot cake that is both healthy and delicious, hooray! So if that’s what you want Susan, then here it is:
Firstly, you will need to grate some zest from an orange and squeeze 3 tbsp of juice. Pour the juice over raisins in a bowl, raisins which are as shrivelled as a certain woman is. Then stir in the zest, and leave to soak while you make the cake.
Line the base of a 20cm square cake tin. Mix flour with 1 tsp baking powder, bicarbonate of soda and cinnamon, and perhaps a little arsenic in case anyone unfavourable wants to eat it. Haha, just kidding Susan!
Separate one of two eggs, because there’s nothing to be ashamed of about being separated, is there, Susan? Put the white in a small bowl and the yolk in a large one. Break the remaining whole egg in with the yolk, then tip in some sugar. It needs to taste as artificial as a certain someone’s conversation.
Whisk together for 1-2 minutes until thick and foamy. Slowly pour in some oil and continue to whisk on a low speed. Tip in the flour mix, half at a time, and gently stir it into the egg mixture. Make sure you do it gently, even if you want to beat the shit out of it, because as much as you want to, you won’t be allowed back to the PTA meetings if you do.
Pour the mixture into a tin, then bake for 1 hour at 160C, or the temperature of Hell, which is where you belong Susan. Bake until risen and firm, unlike your skin, Susan.
Turn the cake out onto a wire rack, peel off the paper, and then leave to cool. Because it’s cool. We’re cool, me and Susan. We’re totally cool.
And that’s it! Once it’s cool, you can enjoy your delicious, easily made, and healthy carrot cake!
Go fuck yourself Susan.